Sum of Neurons Firing Near a Keyboard

Stupid jealousy and inferiority complex.

2009-12-16T20:42:46Z

RARG, I'm venting! Be prepared.

I searched for 10 months for a job. Several labs in the area turned me down, even though I had a recommendation from my ex boss! I interviewed with this one lab in may and she sounded really interested. When I called for a follow up, I didn't hear a peep. I pestered her once a month after that, just HOPING to hear "we're not interested"... But nothing. I asked for an unpaid position, too!

Turns out this woman was hiring other people (paid and unpaid) and was just ignoring me! I don't know why!

I found out because this damn blonde girl is working for her. And another lab I was turned down for... and now another lab that I wanted to get in. How the fuck did SHE get these jobs when I couldn't?

She's 10 steps out of college and has a whole page of "experience" with horse riding (seriously, who puts that on a science resume?!). She's got a 4.0... tall blonde and talkitive (never shuts up). Ya know, everything I'm not!

And she just walks up, asks, and gets the damn jobs!! SEVERAL OF THEM.

God damn it... why!

I have no idea if this makes any sense at all. But I'm just really pissed off when things seem to come so easily to people (whom I think don't deserve it) and I have to bust ass for what I got.

Sure, she might be struggling for what she's got, maybe she's not even being paid or whatever. But damn 4.0 and stole my job? Screw her.

What the fuck am I doing wrong! I really wonder if it's because of how I look or something. I had an interview where the person said I looked "too serious". WTF... don't you want serious people?
Is it because I'm not blonde? Is it becauase I don't do my hair up? I laugh at their dumb jokes, I smile... where I go wrong? I don't know... people are such jerks for no reason.

Sorry, I just needed to throw a tantrum where no one could hear me.

Gripe.

2009-12-15T20:57:40Z

Another gripe:

I wish I was thin enough to wear those tight purple jeans.
I'm insanely jealous of the chicks in the lab next door.

Blegh. My insecurities are less tolerable when I'm tired.

Another Tired Rant.

2009-12-15T18:41:57Z

I woke up at 8am to get ready for work.

I went to bed at 1am; I lost track of time. I didn't fall asleep till 2am. Then at 2:30, Ambrose got in bed and decided to giggle. WTF, BTW! I didn't care why, I just kicked him until he stopped. I finally fell back asleep around 3:30.

So, here I am at work starting at exactly 8:50am. My boss asked me to start working at 9am today because we "have lots to do". And, he's here at the time he specified. But, we're not working. He said we'll do stuff at 9:15.

Shore, He's super busy and needs to check his email. I understand his point of view. I just wish someone would understand mine. I am SO fucking tired. I slept like... 45 minutes and I could have really used another half hour of real sleep. I am not a morning person. Not like, I am grumpy and fussy in the morning... more like if you give me 10 minutes of doing nothing this morning I'll probably fall asleep because I am so tired.

Because I didn't sleep more than 4 hours last night.

I hate this 40 hour work week. Almost makes me want to go to France. Almost.

Also, since getting a job and sleeping very poorly, if at all, at night... I've put back on 10 lbs. Stress response fat is the worse kind of fat. Stupid sleep cycle.

Also, I'm going back to the doctor. Something's going wrong. If the systemic antimicrobial isn't working, I've got some sort of other infection that needs to be dealt with before I go completely mad, instead of pleasantly nutters.

Communication down

2009-12-09T18:56:10Z

OMG, Why.

No one answers my emails. It's been at least a day over due on most of them.

Thus far I have two emails out to my boss, which he HAS to answer sometime today if I'm going to get anything done.
One email out to the jokers in the mouse-house asking them to explain WTF is there no tissue in this tissue tube.
Two long personal emails. Which probably take time to answer properly.
and one out to my family asking why my phone is borked.

Arrrgh. I hate waiting for work emails, especially.

Same shit that's been pissing me off for weeks.

2009-12-08T22:43:21Z

When I tell Ambrose about Mikey's condition... and how I'm lost on what to do....

He says "There's nothing you can do" and wanders off.

Some days, I really do understand why people want me to dump his emotionally stunted ass. Well, I always understood... just days like this make me really wonder if I want to keep fighting their recommendation.

The removal surgery may not help anything because the lump may not be the thing that's killing him... It costs 1500 dollars. Plus any other diagnostics and supportives involved. A little pricey for being so risky and potentially unhelpful.

Seriously...If someone wants to call me or email me about this, I would REALLY appreciate it. I want someone else to pour my soul out to. I can't rely on Ambrose for much of anything emotional lately. Save me.

Lump

2009-12-08T10:11:04Z

The lump on Mikey's throat is getting bigger. I know it is. I'm not imagining it anymore.

There's no indication of disease of the thyroid. Kidney's are stable... but he's loosing weight, i think.

I don't think he's in pain... I don't see any suffering.

I blew my budget on diagnostics. Surgery is left... but I think it wont be any good.

I don't know what to do.

stuff about or related to medicine, oddly enough.

2009-12-03T22:37:23Z

WARNING: Lots of whining ahead.

Other (bad) shit going on besides being frustrated with the boyfriend.

1. Mikey's condition may be getting worse. He's going to a specialist tomorrow morning. I dread that there's nothing that can be done. I dread that there IS something that's going to accidentally KILL him before the disease can.

2. I'm sleeping around 6 hours at night and 4 hours during the day. I am EXHAUSTED. I have a headache.

3. Bored at work. Ambrose was supposed to be teaching me a procedure, be he's been doing the bulk of it after work hours when I'm not in the lab. He can't be this inconsiderate next week, when my boss whips him back into shape.

4. Having a persistent health problem that over the counter medication hasn't helped. It's effecting my mood, my skin and my sleep cycle. I called my doc. She will tell me what to do.

5. Tori, my friend here in Sac, has to have her gall bladder taken out. I'm unhappy about the idea that she's sick. She didn't tell me until she was in the hospital. Why don't people TELL ME ANYTHING?

6. My pay check is LATE.

Peaches and puppies!

2009-12-01T20:16:28Z

Gee, looks like everyone's relationship is puppies and rainbow poptarts.
Except mine.

All disagreements in relationships are settled with a quick conversation, a smooch and then it's back on the road to peaches and lollipops.
Except mine.

Maybe I should break it off with him, blame it entirely on "he's not my white knight" and resign myself to reading Twilight books and going to bars waiting for Mr Right to sweep me off my feet. Or something else way over the top like that. (I'm exaggerating my actual position on this; I hate Twilight)

OR quite possibly, I'm IN the same relationship everyone else has, I just whine a lot more than my clam-lipped and/or laid-back counterparts. I think my lesson here is "My friends assume whining is more than venting steam."

Okay, now that I've probably pissed everyone off. I think it's time for me to "man up and get over it". My relationship isn't great... RIGHT NOW... and what am I gonna do about it?

Largely nothing. I'm stuck for a while. I'm waiting for Ambrose to defend his new proposal sometime in January. After that, he might be way less of a drag ass and start perking up again. All I can do is wait for that. Out of my hands. If things don't improve after this grad school shit gets on track, it's more than depression and I need to figure it out from there. Even though I've said "if things don't improve by X" a bunch of times, I still think I need to keep waiting for this grad school thing.

Probably should get back on the Birth control pill, too. I don't think it's helped my emotional state before, but heck... I don't remember. And, well, maybe I'll have fewer zits. god damn. I have one that's making it hard to lift my eyebrows! TMI, I know. Sorry.

And, I guess, I'll make a concerted effort to be less of a hard ass. Dunno how, but trying counts.

Total Bitchness... avert your eyes!

2009-12-01T09:30:02Z

RANT RANT RANT.

I DO use LJ to bitch almost exclusively. A lot. It's cathartic. I dunno... should I stop all together to spare the drama that it sometimes incites? This type o' (minor) drama has happened before. Even if I should stop, I probably wont. I need to bitch. It's how I cope with shit I don't immediately know how to deal with. Even if everyone else in the world seems to deal with life way quieter than me.... I am probably unable to emulate that.

Tomorrow I'm going to make a virus.

uhm... why?

2009-11-30T18:09:24Z

I don't KNOW how everyone else copes with crap in their relationships. Everyone has something they need to deal with and put up with from their partner. I just NEVER EVER hear about it. How am I supposed to learn how to cope appropriately or when to "dump the fucker" if I have no model to compare to?

How do You all out there deal with crap in your relationships? Stuff in the "When your boyfriend is leaving the seat up", to " when your girlfriend is way obviously depressed" range? How do you cope? How did you learn to do it that way? How in the world did you go without bitching as much as I do?

I'm curious about this.

Total flip side.

2009-11-30T08:53:26Z

Yeah yeah yeah... I'm a total raving bitch for expecting my 23 year old boyfriend to act like a man. I know.
I expect too much. It's what I do.

"Honey, this isn't what I expected our first "Christmas tree setting up" to go. With you buzzing off to work and me decorating all alone. I expected us to gaze upon OUR work and talk about it and cuddle. But, instead, we're ignoring our feelings and playing a board game."
"We're spending time together, aren't we? Our usual actions involve us ignoring each other while playing on the computers."
" ... yes."

Then I clammed up. We were spending time together. Even if it was time where he engaged all his mental gears on finding the best competitive strategy to beat me at mancala. (I won 2/3 of the times. Take that!)

I really did expect too much. I expected it to go differently.

RAR RAR RARGE.

2009-11-29T11:05:00Z

Lately, I'm feeling a lot of resentment about the man-boy. His entire life and personality is wrapped up in this "I'm a genius" type of thought process. But, This grad school bull shit isn't working out stellar anymore. This is his first real failure in life. Now, his only interests lie in topics that the normal man, or the normal girlfriend, will find yawn-inspiring. He's dumpy, slobby and largely un-exciting in recent months. And I dumped guys to be exclusive with him and moved up here for THIS?!
Since the total flop with his 'project', he's become THE biggest DRAG ASS. He's obviously depressed; sleeping in a lot, not going into 'work', being a total soul sucking bore, being selfish like all get out, ect. He's even mentioned that since he's got "nothing going on" he doesn't feel like a man, and doesn't DESERVE to have a goatee. How pathetic does that sound? I mean, poor guy... but it's time to man up. It's been 4 months.
I've had long depressing bouts of..... depression, too. But, I talk about it. Everyone knows I'm depressed or stressed or anxious. Him, though? Not a peep, just got to slowly weasel it out of him between him faking asthma attacks and me starting conversations about mustaches.
Oh, have I mentioned he has zero to little interest in physical contact with me since we moved in together Yeah. Getting really pissy over here.
I hope so hard... some day he'll grow out of this baby-genius crap and be a real life man... like the ones that my friends have snagged. Or, at least, grow out of this depression sooner. I don't want to dump him on his ear just because I couldn't wait for him to pull himself out of this funk. I would hate it if someone did it to me.
And well, I already did that to someone once, and I regretted it later. But, I don't have the whole story on that one. I just don't want to dump Ambrose, then he'll turn into "good man" or "way more capable in household chores man" in time for someone ELSE to snag him up, proclaim him "pre-trained" and make me regret not waiting. It's happened before.

I'm also pissed that I have two big ol' zits on my forehead from eyebrow waxing two weeks ago... STILL. AND... AND... the hair is coming back already. I'm never going to that salon again.

Also, it's 3am and I couldn't sleep because of this stuff buzzing around my head.

Poor Hans.

2009-11-28T05:50:22Z

I just realized I lost the keys to my "nympho-mation" bag.
I don't really I use it anymore... but someday, I might want to get to it.
And then.. how the hell do I get it open? Bring it to a lock smith and say "Open this bag, but don't look inside or ready ANY of the words on the outside"?

Oh god.

Tears make a bad pie.

2009-11-26T05:36:54Z

IT WORKED!

Redd was so kind to point me to another recipe and omg, it worked! No tears involved!

The differences from this one (Ina Garten) and Alton Brown's was not minor. The amount of shortening was drastically reduced and there was water instead of booze. I was all on board with AB on the booze, but I think the copious amounts of shortening did me in.

It may work better if I had a food processor... But the Ina recipe worked when I used my hands and two knives. Like OLD TIMES.

Whew. I'm not a total failure. Now to not burn them.

Sea Pansy and Genetics.

2009-11-26T00:27:04Z

I wanted to complain about the mouse things I had to deal with today... but I am so... SO tired. And a little upset about it.

So here's what you get: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sea_pansy
SEA PANSY. hehe.
This makes me giggle.

Also, I'm going to be doing some pretty awesome genetic stuff soon. Man, this makes me very happy. Remember I was complaining a while ago that I was unhappy about being in immunology because I studied genetics? Well, here's my shot at the big leauge. Yay!

Just... I have completely forgotten it all! Things like "overhang" and "vector" have lost their secondary, scientific meaning in the 4 years I've been in immunology. I know things like "how to fix a pipette" and "what to do if a centrifuge explodes (panic!)" instead. Not entirely un-useful, just kinda ... less critical thinking. Ya know what I mean?

I hope this poses a chance for me to prove to my boss (vimal) that I'm totally worth keeping around when he becomes a professor in a year or two. We'll see! <3

Also... pass out.

Pie Rage part DUH

2009-11-25T07:44:14Z

PIE RAGE

Second attempt was WORSE than the first apple pie I made with Alton Brown's recipe.
I hate your pie crust recipe alton brown. You should be ashamed that a geek with chemistry training can't manage your recipe. Or, I guess I should be...

Tomorrow I've stupidly invited some lab mates over to make pie... and I don't have a CLUE what I'm doing... much less how to teach it to someone else. I'm doomed.

I plan on spending the rest of the night pinching my fat and eating chips.

Adding to one of my lists.

2009-11-24T02:36:42Z

If I ran the country and could make any rules I wanted... I have a partial list ready

Eugenics! People described as burdens to be euthanized. (Needs stricter definitions)
Pedophilia, bestiality, necrophilia penalized with castration if the offender is able to contribute to society. Death if not. See Eugenics.
Any consenting adults can marry, but there's no tax breaks involved. (needs work)
Health care and education by government program till age 10. Mandatory schooling till 18.
Daylight savings time abolished
Animal cruelty punishable by severe wage garnishing.
Mandatory census participation. Immigration strictly controlled.
and
Elderly people will not be allowed to drive if their break response is shit.

I nearly got hit today by a woman so old her face looked like a rotten jack o' lantern. She waved me through, too! And not till I felt the hot metal of her over sized SUV on my shoulder did she finally stop completely. Gahd.

Work sucks up too much time.

2009-11-23T23:32:32Z

I had like... 4 months of doing nothing. It would have been a great time to get my medical crap out of they way.
I couldn't really afford it.
I would have been a great time to get my tires replaced, too.
But I didn't know I needed it.

Now I have a job and trying to impress my boss by being there on time and all day...
And I need to go to the doc REALLY bad, have my teeth removed and or bleached.... and the car needs tires REALLY bad.
I have no time...?

I hope my boss is flexible.

Body image smimage.

2009-11-23T20:27:49Z

Complaining here is more efficient than getting over my issues.

There's a woman in the lab nearby. She's a PHD... in fact she's the head of the lab nearby. So she's like super accomplished. She's from Spain I think... so she's smart AND a world traveler. And probably like 30-40.

She's got a body a barbie doll. Deer legs. Thin hips. Thinner middle. And HUGE tits. Not kidding, like a size 4 body with DD boobs.

And I am INSANELY jealous. Insane jealousy. Yes.

I wish I looked like that. Maybe not the mongo breasts... but at least the boy would stop reminding me how his ex had bigger ones. Personally, I wish I had deer legs most of all. She looks so good in patterned stockings. I don't. The pattern is all distorted in the thigh area and all baggy in the calf area. I would also like to wear sweater dresses without looking like a furry pear giving birth to a tiny head.

I wish I was accomplished, too. But, I'd really rather be beautiful... seems to be okay to be beautiful and mediocre than it is to be normal/ugly and mediocre.

This comes after I am feeling sick and gaining 5lbs in two weeks. 5lbs! Since I started the job! I'm not eating more... I'm sleeping less... and that makes me gain weight. I just hope I don't get back up to 140 like I was last Christmas.

I probably shouldn't have made cookies this weekend. No one ate them at the party I went to, so I took them home and ate them. Blegh. I wish I had one right now... and that's the problem.

Stop ignoring me and tangents.

2009-11-20T23:36:54Z

WHY does this happen? Why is this an acceptable course of action for most people?!!

Example:
I asked this woman a bunch of questions and she answered them promptly. But, then when I ask her one question she doesn't have an answer for, she ignores my calls and emails. Hey, LADY... if you haven't an answer, tell me. If there's someone else I should ask, tell me. If you're out of the office, tell me. If you're working on it... TELL ME!! Why is ignoring me acceptable to you?

Another example:
If I ask Ambrose a question he doesn't immediately have an answer for, he doesn't answer... EVER.
Then I have to ask at him, "Did you hear me?! Why don't you answer me!"
Turns out, he's thinking... then promptly decides he doesn't care enough to respond and goes back to his jerking off equivalent: video games. Why is ignoring the person you live with acceptable to him?

I swear to god, if I had more balls, I'd dump this selfish pig-boy-man and start all over again.
But, I used up my mulligan on someone else. I'm kind of terrified to do it again because I have more to loose now. Namely, my job and my house.

I'm really disappointed in this boy-man. I see my friend's husbands and go "Aw... I wish mine was that responsible and loving." I'm jealous. Sure I don't see the bad shit other men do, but EVERYONE sees the annoying shit mine does. It's painfully obvious to the casual observer that he just likes the sound of his own voice. Don't believe me? Try to tell your life story to him sometime... he'll probably interrupt you in favor of his before you get to age 2.

I just hope when I'm 30, and finally decide on dumping his ass or not, SOMEONE GOOD will want to date me. It's kinda getting close to the "you're NOT married? WTF is wrong with you? You must have major issues" point in life.

I am in such a bad mood I could spit.

How many hot dogs do I need to buy to make an even pair?

2009-11-18T03:13:00Z

The hot dog and bun problem.

I have a tube rack that is 8x10. And labeled on the x axis is 1-10, the y Axis is labeled A-H (8 spaces).
I have tubes connected in rows of 8. Labeled 1-8.

If I put the 8 tubes in the 8 holes on the y axis, they are no longer matching up to their numbers. Now I have to think in numbers and letters.

If I put the 8 tubes-row on the X axis... I have a space of 4. HALF the size of a second rack. Cuts my carrying capacity.

AUGH!

I don't know why, but micro-chemistry loooooves to think in 8's. But measures in base 10.

PS I'm still at work... going on my 10th hour.

I swear, I'm going to blow up.

LINES.

2009-11-16T22:59:59Z

Chronicles of sleep deprivation; Lab edition

Oh god, I've been getting around 6 hours of sleep a night since I started working. Insomnia, bad schedule, DSPS, cat screaming, good things on TV, general unwant, ect.

So I stumble into lab, have to do tiny things with tiny volumes of invisible things and do terrible things to mice... who bite me. Now I'm staring at tiny tiny lines and comparing them to other even tiner lines, trying to figure out what it all MEANS before my boss comes back and discovers I don't know what the lines mean by now.

I hate lines. I wish I could take a nap. Naps make lines a little easier to deal with.

Blegh.

2009-11-16T08:22:14Z

My apple pie doesn't look half as nice as Alton Brown promised it would.
I haven't opened it yet for fear the apples have evaporated and it's just full of air.
Or mushy. And well... I don't like apple pie.

I had a grand idea of a bracelet for my Aunt.
It's too small when using the beads I bought for it.
It's too large when adding small gold spacer beads.

I'm frustrated when things don't work out as planned.
I think this is my entire life problem.

Things that escape modern slubs.

2009-11-14T06:47:15Z

Dear world,
I know viral videos can contain just about anything, and I have friends who are REAL BIG vectors for these diseases. I recently got a "zit pop video" and grossness aside, let me just say this:

A ZIT and an ABSCESS are NOT the same thing.

Granted, a zit is a tiny abscess... but if you have a infection; a real big infection... it's not a zit.
Stop faking me out!

Blegh,
Me

Mice make me want to puke now.

2009-11-13T02:19:49Z

Today was not a good day.

One. My PCR flopped. I don't know why. Not a clue. I'm tasked with redoing the whole thing but I don't know what I did wrong so I can't "change" the parameters...

Two: That ice bucket thinger. RAR.

Three. I was given a super quick smattering of mouse handling today. Even though I'm technically not even supposed to touch a mouse until I pass the class tomorrow. I have to say... this bugs me- The mouse procedures. Somehow I'm able to stand, watch and perform these duties, but I really don't like to. I don't throw up, but sometimes, I really thought I should have.
I think I felt this way when I was working with piles of blood, spleen sections and other goo. I think I felt this way when I saw the partially dissected monkeys on the tables. I think I got over it. So I'm hoping I can get over the mouse procedures, too.
Problem is, I think they are DAMN CUTE. With the monkeys; they were cute, but I didn't have to really see them until they were just... rhesus pieces... However, these mice are live and all up in my face about it.
I'm required to DAILY separate sexes (easy), Clip tail ends, cauterize said tail ends, and PUNCH HOLES IN EARS. SHUDDER, Squirm, wince! Scream! Man, I know this is all kinds of necessary and as quick and humane as the law requires, but damn it... the punch sound is so sickening.
I'm also not a fan of the cauterization method. It could be faster and quicker. And safer for me. They have small, fast, safe machines that do this "Cut + Caut" thing in a flash for PIGS. Just make it mini sized?! Why am I the only one who thinks of these things?

Four. As if it wasn't enough to dock like 20 mice today, I had to euthanize 15 more. It was exceptionally UNFUN. I'll spare you the details but having to handle that many limpy bodies was perhaps THE worst thing I've had to stomach in science. Okay, no... The whole mouse experience has been pretty awful.

This was awful.
I think I'll go home and make a pie.